Single Mormon women: You’ve been hijacked by dangerous feminist ideologies that prevent you from recognizing that you can never be happy without a man. Any man. So sisters, get with the program.

Over at “Mormon Game,” there’s a piece this week that is so craptastically from a different century that it seems like satire but regards itself with utter seriousness.

Single women, listen up! You are up a creek without a paddle. You need marriage. You need motherhood. And you are falling short.

7 dating tips for Mormon women, helpfully mansplained for you

You had also better hurry; that pesky clock is ticking. Whereas men only get more attractive as they age because “they gain a career, a house, [and] life experience,” your equivalent economic success and life experience are essentially worthless and can even be liabilities. What matters most are your body and your appearance:

What happens to women as they age? The window of opportunity for birthing children becomes shorter, they become jaded and lose their cheerful visage, and they become stuck in a lifestyle that makes a family less practical.

Think about it logically as if you were a man. Would you date the old career women who doesn’t [sic] have time for a date except on Saturdays, or the sprite 19 year old who eagerly awaits what’s ahead of her?

So: single Mormon women over the spritely age of 19 . . . We don’t want you to you lose your cheerful visage! THANK GOODNESS that this author has provided 7 tips for you based on his life experience and observations. (Sadly, he reports that he is already taken himself, but perhaps by following his advice you can find another Mr. Collins exactly like him.)

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